Step three – Consciously choose to commit my marriage, my life and will to His care and control.
“happy are the meek” Matthew 5:5 or, “blessed are the meek” Matthew 5:5
Different versions of the same scripture, kind of the same, but still different. If you were to ask my opinion, I prefer to be blessed over happy any day of the week. At first glance you would think they are synonymous – but no. I believe you can be happy (falsely I’m thinkin) without being blessed – but you cannot be blessed without reason to be happy.
As for my marriage part, well, that is a matter of interpretation also. In a legal sense, I am divorced from my husband. Irreconcilable differences we said. (three tries with a court appointed mediator verifies the differences part) So, after 22 years of marriage a judge declared us unmarried. But, as our marriage was sacramental, and we have neglected to pursue an annulment, the Catholic church (and God too in my opinion) still view our marriage as valid. The bottom line is that we are not married. We just play that part in the recesses of our memories and in the imagination of those observing us.
It is a very confusing situation. In so many ways, thanks to healing, grace, and some courage, we appear to be just another married couple again. We are involved in the same activities at church. We spend time with our kids and friends together. We even go grocery shopping together. But, we take our groceries home to our own kitchens, 20 miles apart by the road, light years in reality. We each live in our different homes, sleep alone in our own beds, and tend to our own yards, alone and separate.
As for committing my life and my will to God, that sounds so simple and direct. How come it feels more like a challenge? The hard part for me is trying to discern what is God’s will and what is my own. Maybe God’s messages to me are being whispered into the wind and I just can’t quite hear the words.
The funny part of this step is that I am now realizing we have both let go and are trusting God and just waiting. And, waiting. Yes, lots of waiting. I just hope that we are actually waiting, and not ignoring His signs.
I continue to pray and ask for our healing to continue and for this waiting to be just evidence of our patience and trust in God. I believe.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen